The List of Annoyances
by The Wammy Girl
Summary: A crackish fic involving an insane OC, Lily, who drives the cast of Death Note crazy. Or, crazier. My first fic, please R&R! Rated Teen just to be safe. Small swearing, slightly creepy situations if you read/watch Death Note, though, you should be fine .
1. Chapter 1 Near

Disclaimer: I only own my writing and Lily, the OC.

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Chapter 1- Near

"HEEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!!! GUESS WHAT I HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lily shouted at the top of her lungs.

"What is it that you have obtained?" Near asked in his usual monotone.

"Awwwwww... you're the only one here?" Lily whined.

".........It appears so." Near replied.

"Well, then... you'll just have to be the harbinger of doom to everyone else... and the FIRST VICTIM!!!!!!"

"...What?..." Near said, but his thought was cut short as he was tackled by Lily.

He said nothing, but inwardly was very startled, because god forbid he show emotions.

"We're going to the store!" declared Lily. "Hmmmmm..." she said thoughtfully, "...but first we need to get you properly dressed." Suddenly she whipped out a shirt that said "Yes, I AM GAY." on it and pulled it over his head.

"What...?" Near said quietly as he fingered the bright, neon shirt.

"Time to go buy your mood ring!!!!" Lily cheered, dragging Near behind her all the way to the store on the corner.

"HEEEEELLLLLLOOOOOOO MANAGER-MAN-PERSON!!!!!!!!!!" she said to the guy that ran the store.

"Oh god, not you again..." the depressed man said glumly. "Nice, you brought a friend... who's gay... apparently..."

"YESSSSSS!!!!!! HE IS GAAAYYYYYY!!!!! AND PROUD OF IT!!!!!!" Lily shouted.

"Yeah, yeah, wattaya want now?" the man grumbled.

"My friend here needs a mood ring for the benefit of all others around him!" Lily told him gleefully.

"........Whatever." the man said, leaving to get a mood ring.

"You never told me." Near said, whispering.

"What?" Lily asked.

"You never told me what you had."

"Oh silly silly Nia, that would spoil the surprise!" she said happily. "And I'm sorry I'm torturing you, but it found something I simply **couldn't** resist!"

"Wha-" Near started, but was interrupted by the annoying man who ran the store.

"Here'syourringnowbye." he said, pushing them out of the store.

"But, don't you want your money?" Lily questioned.

"NO, JUST LEAVE YOU GAY FREAKS!!!!!!" he shouted from behind his now looked doors.

"YOU'RE AN ANTI-GAY MEANIE!!!!!! AND I'M A _GIRL_, YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!" Lily shouted back.

"......" said Near.

They shouted back and forth for an hour, then Near had to drag Lily back to the SPK headquarters. As soon as they got there Near quickly started looking around for his figures representing everyone, he needed to have them.

"Oh, YAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!" Lily yelled. "YOUR GONNA PLAY WITH YOUR DOLLS!!!!!! HOW CUUUUUUUUUTE!!!!!" she cheerfully yelled, plopping down next to him and grabbing the Mello and Near dolls. She then tilted them and made them make out. "AAAAAWWWWWWWZZZZZZ... HOW KAAWWWWWAAAAAIIIIII!!!!!!!"

".........What is wrong with you today?"

She looked at him for a minute... then proceeded to jump on his leg.

"................ o_O"

She continued jumping until...

"Ow." Near said unemotionally

She gasped, "I GOTTA CALL MA FRENDS!!!!!" she exclaimed. "Er, wait... **friend**...BUT STILL!!!!!!!!" she added, dialing the number.

"WILLLLLOOOOOOWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! OH EM GEE! You will not be-leve wat just happened!!!! Yeah, so I was like jumping on Near's leg right and then I kept jumping and then he went like OW! and I was LIIIIIKE OMIGOSH!!!!!! because it's like Near has emotions?!?!?!?! I KNOW!!!!! So like I was like OH EHM GEE I have to like call Willow and like tell her about this!!!!" Lily exitedly told Willow.

"......" Willow said, "Are you ok?"

"Near... can I have some friendship advice?"

"...No."

"Why?"

"...Because I have no advice to give."

"Why?"

"Because I have no friends."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"Why?

".....Shut up."

"Are you okay Lily?" Willow asked.

"YESI'MTOTALLYFINEBYENOW!!!!!!"

Silence filled the room. Near stood up, mumbling about cleaning up his leg.

Lily gasped openmouthed and pointed at him as he stood up.

"THIS IS MADNESS!!!!!!" she shouted.

Suddenly the Kool-Aid Man burst through the wall and yelled "Madness... THIS, IS... SPARTAAAA!!!!!!!! THIS, IS, SPARTAAAAA!!!!"

Then techno music began playing in the background and the Kool-Aid Man continued to scream about how this, was, SPARTAAAAAA, Lily joined him. Near was very confused.

As the Kool-Aid Man left Lily, panting, walked over to Near.

"So... just curious, but... are you a seme or an uke?" she casually said.

Near stared at her. "Well, seme... I guess, since I'm a boy."

"Aww, little seme!!!" Lily cooed.

"But I'm not gay." Near said.

"Oh... so you're the uke?"

"No, I just told you that-"

"Aww, the uke is stuttering!"

"But-"

"Look, are you seme or uke? Easy question. Aren't you a genius or something? You should know this!"

"I already told you that I'm not-"

"The seme? Yeah, I got that."

"But I already said that!"

"Now the little uke has lost it. You make no sense... Yeah, put the 10 foot lava lamp _riiiight_ there, boys. Thanks."

"WHAT?!?!?!?"

"Near... you have let yourself go. You need to regain control and come to terms with your being an uke."

"I'M NOT UKE!!!!!!!"

"Geez, someone's making up for something...It's okay to be uke, Near."

".........."

"Your seme, then?"

".........."

"Oh, OH!!! I guess you don't want to talk about it then..."

"About what...?"

"You being neither a seme nor an uke of course! You're a he-she, right?!"

"........... Rester, Gevanni. Shoot her please."

"HAHAHA! They aren't here! They're covered in peanut butter and tape!!!!!!

There's no escape!!!!!! HAHAHA, I rhymed!!!!"

"............. Do you think I can commit suicide with toys Optimus Prime?"

"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!!" the "magical -cough, hallucination, cough- toy

answered.

"I could hold my breath..."

"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"

"Is there any way I can kill myself and escape this torture, Optimus Prime?"

"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"

"Is that all you can say?"

"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!"

"I hate you." then he threw the toy across the room.

5 minutes later, he was making out with it.

While he did that, Lily lined up his collection of dice to read "YER GONNA GET YER ASS RAPED CHIELD"

"NEAR!!!!!! QUIT EATING YOUR ONLY FRIEND AND COME LOOK AT THIS!!!!"

"......... oh.... really?" Near said, looking at the message. But Lily was too busy hacking into his computer to answer, and at this point, Near didn't care. He began to pick up his dice. That sounds nasty.

He was almost finished when Lily called him over.

"I've gone over your Kira case data... L is ashamed."

"L is here?!?!?!"

"No, I called him."

"You has phone?!?!?"

"No, I blew it up."

"......"

"Oh, and I screwed up your computer. You have to fix it."

"Oh..."

While Near was busy with the computer, Lily managed to lubricate all his toys with cooking oil and gather supplies (such as a blanket, Kira marionettes, rope, and a chair) (duh-duh-DUH!!)

"OOOHHHHH NIIIIIIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" Lily warbled. "LOOOOK WHAT I GOT CHU!!!!!"

""Is it more food, I mean, toys?"

"Same thing to you, why does it matter?"

"It matters... food is not edible, toys are."

"......You have a warped mind, Near..."

"SO?!?!"

"I don't have food OR toys, I have **these**!!!" she declared, triumphantly holding up a batch of Kira marionettes.

"......... AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"YYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSS!!!!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!"

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" some random guy shouted dramatically.

"YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!" Lily shouted back, not wanting to be outdone.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Near shouted..... again.

Lily took a deep breath. "I'm not gonna scream anymore."

".........AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Near screamed.

"These puppets are going to follow you all day."

"... AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

"For the rest of the year."

"........ AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!"

"Forever."

"......"

"... So, um, aren't you going to scr-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

As Near attempted running, Lily threw the puppets at him, tangling him up.

"C'mon Near, we need to talk about our relationship." she said, tying him to a chair.

"You're just not committed enough!!!"

"...What does that mean?"

"I don't know...... You can get up now."

"Um... Thanks......"

"NNOOOOOOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!" she yelled pulling him into a closet.

"I was going to bring in pedophiles, but I couldn't find any. So I'm bringing bulldogs. Named Edward. Cullen."

later...

"Oh, Near's bleeding.....again..." Lily said to no one in particular.

"TIME TO NAG!!!!!!!!!! Why do you wear that, are you an escaped mental patient, how old are you, why is your hair that color, why do you have so many toys, where are your parents/legal guardians, and what is the last digit in Pi?!?!?!?!?"

"... I like wearing this, no, 17, i don't know, i like them, parents, dead, legal guardians, i don't know, and i don't care."

"WOW."

"Now I will turn you into beautiful Nearosaurus!" Then she wrapped him in sheets and trapped him in a HALP box.

"Oh, by the way," she said a she jammed him into the box, "Kira's killing the albinos next!"

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!"

Then she closed the lid of the box.

a week later.....

The lid of the box comes off.

"YAY!!!! IT DIDN'T WORK!!!!!!!!!"

"So.... hungry... need, toys..."

"Oh, here." she said throwing him Optimus Prime.

"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"

"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY OPTIMUS PRIME!!!!!!!" Near said,

biting his arm.

"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!!"

"SHUT UP!!!!!" Near said, biting the head off.

"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"

"I already ate your head!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!"

"i have a tape recorder, see?" she pressed the button.

"Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!!"

"........ Hahahahahahahaaaahahaaaaa..." Near laughed dementedly.

"Ahahahahahaaaaaaaa." Lily joined in.

"AHAHAHAAAAAAA!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAHHHAAAAAAA!!!! You're racist."

"AAAAAAHHHAAAAAAHHHAAAAAA... wait, what?"

"You're racist! See, Mello has like that one black guy who works for him. But you're surrounded by white people! HAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!"

"... You're right..."

"YES I AM!!!!!!!!!!"

Near decide to go curl up in a corner. Naturally, Lily followed him.

"Leave me alone." Near said, twirling his hair.

Lily smacked his hand away and started to twirl it herself.

Near didn't object, but at this point, he was about as sane as BB. Meaning Near's Sanity= ZERO.

"Ok, you've had a long day." she said picking him up and cradling him in her arms. Then she covered him in chocolate until he almost suffocated. Then she screamed to no one in particular "MELLO DID IT!!!!!!" Of course, no one answered.

later...

L was about to have a slice of strawberry cheesecake. But then, suddenly, someone was pushed through the door. Maniac laughter was heard in the hallway.

_Damnit BB, what did you do this time?_

The person fell over and said, his voice muffled by the carpet, "Optimus Prime sez: NO!!!!!"

_What the... Near?_

He picked Near up. He was wearing a bright tie-dye shirt reading "YES. I AM GAY." and he was covered in melting chocolate. He was extremely thin and very scared-looking. While Mello was busy laughing at Near and Matt was busy saying "I knew it..." and other people were doing other things, L read the note taped to Near.

_**I am unstoppable. Beware, you could be next. Oh, btw, this is Lily. And I need to borrow some tape. BWAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!! Ha...HA!!!!!!**_

L just stared. Why was this constantly happening?

A/N: Special Hugs and Chocolate to ~Rainwing202 and ~tatteredmemory on Deviantart. You guys rock! Nearly everything done in the fic is from their combined 3 lists (~tatteredmemory has 2, double-thanks!) If you want spoilers, read the lists. But you never know what I'll do...


	2. Chapter 2 Flashback

_**A/N: **_Like it says, chapter two, I don't torture anyone in this chapter, but... IT IS HEAVILY IMPLIED THAT I WILL TORTURE L NEXT!! Much longer than the first chapter! This chapter is a bit more serious, but most of the chapter is a flashback, aren't those always serious? Ok, ok, so it's a lot more serious... anyway... enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note or any of the characters here, except the OC Lily is so mine. Super Head Esploder 5 is, sadly, not mine either, it belongs to smosh, those freaky, deranged guys that are amazingly funny. Thank you smosh, Tsugumi Ohba, and Takeshi Obata. Also, whoever wrote the L.A. BB Murder Case book, slight spoilers for this book within!

_Thank you for reading!_

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_**Chapter 2- Flashback**_

_That Night...._

L crept through the labyrinthine hallways of Watari's mansion, desperate to find Lily and make her hear reason. During the last week or so, Near had been missing. Apparently, if you don't say anything, no one really notices when you're not there to say nothing...

It was strange, Lily had been in fourth place at the Wammy's House... then again, BB had been like a father to her... and he was here too! _Oh my god, _L thought, _this cannot end well. If they team up, _he continued, but he didn't have time to finish his thought as he was pulled into a dark room. As he looked over his shoulder into the room, he saw nothing but shadows and a pair of vaguely familiar arms. His last thoughts had already been carefully prepared, along with his last words. His last thoughts were this, they were very different than the pre-planned line:

_Oh, god. I have to die, and I never told them who was actually my first successor. Mello is going to kill Near. __**Crap. **_

His last words, also straying from the plan, were these:

"**ALRGRATLEMMEGOAHNEEDASLICACAKEFORAHDIE!!!!!" **

"Christ, shut up!" Lily shout-whispered. "Or do you want to be tortured publically?"

"What? Lily! What the-" L started, but Lily cut him off.

"Doesn't matter, this mansion is so damn big, you couldn't find anyone in it, ever."

L paled slightly.

"Don't worry, though," she added, sticking her head out the door to check if anyone was coming. Back inside the dark room, she finished. "you'll be released. I just want you for a few days. Or weeks."

L widened his already wide eyes.

"Stop it. That's not cute," she said, "just creepy."

L stopped. "Why, Lily?" he asked, voice low.

Lily turned her brunette head to face him. "Why?" she repeated, her eyes narrow. She pondered it, L nodding. "I was bored. That's all."

"I was tired of always being the good girl," she said, shaking her short, flipped hair. "At the Wammy's House, I always did my homework, always turned it in, always aced the tests. Perfect student, everyone called me, perfect girl..." she gazed off into space...

_**Flashback...**_

A small girl stood in the colorful playroom, in the exact middle of the circular woven rug she had made. On her right was Mello, who had an easel set up, displaying a beautiful portrait of himself. To her left was Near. Sitting as always, he had tiny, flawless sculptures set up all around him.

Today was a special day. All the other orphans had already had their projects evaluated, only four would be judged by L. Everyone expected the top three be included into those four. Near, Mello, and Matt. But who would be the fourth? They had stopped after three, and rumors were flying that this would determine the fourth successor.

Everyone had worked nonstop on their art projects, assuring that they would be the fourth. While everyone had been running for supplies of drawing on the computer or sketch pads, Lily had gathered all the scraps of cloth from a certain costume design project. She was fair at drawing and all the basic art forms, but it was then that she realized that her true talent was weaving.

With all the scraps she had gathered, she spent her time slowly and carefully weaving a beautiful and intricate rug. All the other children laughed at her for taking her time, but she ignored them, knowing that hers would be better.

Well, she was wrong.

And they were right.

So she crammed on the last night and finished it then. Still, it was a hell of a lot better than everyone else's.

Anyway, back to the room. Roger ran through at three seconds flat and said quickly,

"NicejobMello, veryprettyLily, welldoneNear." leaving everyone confused.

"So...?" Lily wondered aloud. Mello shrugged, then left. Near stared off into space and started playing with the figures. Lily sighed.

_**The Next Day...**_

"The four finalists, to be judged today by L, in person, are, in no particular order... All the orphans held their breath. Unfortunately, so did Roger. So, this was what they heard on the intercom: -cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough cough, cough, cough, cough!!! He panted for a minute and then cleared his throat. "Near," no reaction. "Matt," a few people, including Matt, cheered. "Mello," more people cheered, but a bit worriedly (as in, if they don't cheer, they would be punished). "and, Lily." everyone looked around.

"_Who's that?" _someone whispered. Lily put up no reaction, but she was cheering inside her head. "If those four maggots, I mean children will report to the torture chamb-, I mean basement at two o'clock. Thank you." And, with a click, the intercom turned off.

There was a moment of silence, then one of the children in the crowd said to no one in particular "It's 2:30." More silence, then Mello started running, Matt jogged behind him, Near started walking an Lily ran as fast as she ever had, which was pretty fast. Her short, thin build rocketed through the hallways, far ahead of Mello.

She burst though the door leading to the basement, and practically threw herself down the stairs, which resulted in her running into... L himself.

There was a very awkward chunk of silence while Lily had her arms wrapped around L to keep from falling. L said nothing. After a few seconds of eternity, Lily took a few steps back. Looking at her shoes as if they were the most interesting thing in the world, she said "You smell like cake."

"Thank you," L replied, "where are the others? Aren't there four of you?"

"There are four of us, the other three are just slowpokes."

"Oh."

There was more awkward silence.

"So," L said, attempting to break the ice, "you made the rug?"

"...Yes, I did."

Silence.

L opened his mouth, intending to say that he liked it, but Mello burst through the door, quickly followed by Matt.

Mello wrapped himself around L, saying how much he "Missed you! Of, course, those of us who have been here longer have talked with you before." Mello said, casting a vicious look over at Lily, who had only been there for a month. When Mello wasn't looking, Matt shot a "I'm sorry about him" look at Lily.

Then Roger walked in and no one was happy anymore, probably because Near was with him. And everyone knows that the combined powers of Roger's Boringness mixed with Near's Unemotionalness can suck any amount of happy out of a room. This time was no exception.

"Get by your projects." Roger told them, knowing they would be on their best behavior in front of L, and taking advantage of that knowledge. The nine-year-olds obliged, and went to stand by their projects. Near was first.

L slouched over, and examined all the figures. He would nod and murmur a name from time to time. He finally stood up from where he had been crouching.

"Very nice, Near. Sculptures of all the orphans at the House, very ingenious." He then slouched over to Matt, who was playing a game called SUPER HEAD ESPLODER 5 on his DS. _FOUR HUNDRED AND NINTY-ONE __**HEADS ESPLODED! **__GOOD JOB!__ YOU ESPLODED __**FOUR HUNDRED AND NINTY-ONE HEADS!!**___the game said somewhat muted by the small speakers. L looked around and finally asked Matt "Where is your project?"

Matt sighed and flipped his DS so L could see it. It was covered in tiny, flawless drawings depicting various games. As L gazed at a sketch depicting Mario stabbing Bowser with a freakishly huge sword, he said "Good, Matt. I like it, very detailed." L glanced over to see the next project and he saw Mello practically jumping up and down with excitement.

"Yes, Mello." L said, examining the beautiful self portrait, with miniature Mello's doing various things in the background. "Very... interesting." L finished, leaving Mello a bit crestfallen.

Which left just Lily, with her makeshift rug. L glanced at it, only to be mesmerized by how complex it was. Complex, in this instance meant, incredibly ugly as a whole, but if you chopped it up into little pieces, each piece would be quite pretty on it's own. Still, it was useful, if not a little grotesque in coloring. That was probably why the costume design team wasn't there. They had chosen the most garish ensemble of colors to make their costumes with. But, it was all she had to work with, so she had used it.

L snapped his head away, shattering the moment.

"That's... that's very nice, Lily." he said, then walked away as if everything else was in slow-motion.

Lily then felt a deep and indescribable sorrow. He was only two years older than her, why did he have to leave? _Shut up, stop it!_ she commanded herself._ You are not allowed to fall in love, especially not with him. Stop it._

For the next year or so, Lily was like a ghost. She never went outside, hardly ever left the one room everyone was afraid of, the top floor library and attic, just so she could be alone. But she wasn't alone in the high-up, dusty treasure trove. There was one other who craved solitude and shelter from the harsh judgements of the others. His name... was BB.

The day BB and Lily met would be recalled many times as the most important day of Lily's life. It started, with a question.

"_Who the hell are you?!" _Lily asked, grumpily. She had a reason, you'd be grumpy too if a kid had poured oatmeal all over your head this morning. It annoyed her so much that she was the oldest orphan here, but Mello got more respect than her, and he was only 8! She was almost 18, almost ready to leave this wretched house. _Just a bit longer, _she would tell herself, _then I can leave. _

"The question is," BB said from the shadows, "who are you?!"

"I doubt it, you won't even show yourself to me. This attic is mine._" _Lily retorted.

"Identity is your most valued possession, don't go handing it away like flowers." BB said confusingly, catching Lily's attention. _This man is a puzzle... A puzzle I want to solve._

"It is, isn't it," she said, lost in thought. "I'll give you mine if you give me yours..."

B considered it for a moment.

"Sounds like a fair enough trade to me." he said, beginning to step out of the shadows.

"I'm B."

Lily cringed and began to back away. "B?" she said, her voice quiet and scared.

B stopped.

"Never mind, you can have the attic, I don't need it." he mumbled, and started heading toward the stairs.

He was almost out when...

"Wait!" Lily called out. "Wait," she said again, "you can stay... I mean, if you want..."

B paused, his hand resting in a patch of sunlight on the rail of the stairs. "Really?" he said. Lily didn't know it, but she was the only person who B had made contact with since A's death. Everyone thought B had killed A, despite what the evidence said. B was just a dark teen, tired of being second best. He hadn't killed A, A took his own life.

"Yes, really." she said. "Now get over here so I can see you." Lily confirmed and commanded.

B was shocked, then surprised. No one had ever told him what to do, they were all too scared. "You... aren't afraid of me?"

"Hell no! Now get over here."

This time, B obliged.

Lily blinked rapidly as B came into view. Over her past few months of solitude, her crush on L had begun to border _obsession. This L, no, __**B**_, she decided, _is much better._

So Lily taught B how to be more outgoing, and B taught Lily how to vent her anger at the world. This would lead to two things. The first being B becoming a mass murderer, and the second being what I am documenting here. But this time, just right now, it was fine if Lily gave B a kiss when he asked her age and replied "_Old enough._" and if B taught her how to make a working guillotine.

_**End of Flashback...**_

"B... he was much more than a father to me. He was my mentor, my best friend, my boyfriend..." she trailed off. "Everything I wanted from you... ten times better!" A single tear fell from her eye. She smirked. "No point in that now," she said, "that time is over."

"After that day, Perfect Girl Lily was all gone. Now there's just me, and you'll see who I am soon enough." she said, leaving L pinned down by a few table and walking across the room idly.

"Yes, you will... soon enough..." she muttered quietly, picking up a rag doll that looked like L.

"Isn't that right... B?" her gaze directly on the doll.

The doll nodded.

**End Of Chapter Two**

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